Unmarried with Kids, Splitting Up
You've been living together for years, have children together, and even feel a part of each other’s families. But the relationship has started to unravel, and despite many efforts to make things right, you’ve finally come to believe that separation is inevitable. Though you've never formally married, your lives are interconnected in ways too numerous to list. Depending on the circumstances of your break-up, you may be feeling angry, hurt, sad, relieved, or frustrated. Every separation brings with it an unsavory stew of feelings.
Sometimes people chose to live together without marriage because they did not want to be constrained by a legal document. The irony is that at separation, “custody” issues and arrangements are the same as for married people, emotionally, legally, and every other way. Other people in your life may not understand that. Most professionals, websites, and articles on this subject address people going through divorce. Even friends or co-workers may not comprehend the immensity of this change in your life, since “You weren’t married anyway.”
With or without divorce, you have decisions to make about where to live, how to help your children adjust, and how to manage financially. The good news is that you don’t need to file in court for a divorce, one savings of money and aggravation.
To resolve where and with whom the children will live and how the other parent will stay involved, you have several choices. You can sit down together and work out what courts called “custody and visitation;” others call a parenting plan. This is an agreement about how issues such as how you will make important child-rearing decisions, how you will divide parenting responsibilities, and with whom the children will spend each holiday. If you have difficulty agreeing on these issues, you can hire a trained family mediator to help you make those decisions. Most mediators will write up your parenting plan in a memorandum of understanding, which can be submitted to the court. Call the court in your county to learn what the law and procedure is in your state and locality.
Using mediation instead of hiring opposing lawyers can save you a lot of money. We know one lawyer who asks clients girding for a bitter struggle: “Whose kids do you want to put through college – mine or yours?” Mediation can also save you a lot of heartache. Mediators are neutral facilitators who help you find common ground and encourage communication and compromise. Litigation, in contrast, often brings out the worst in everyone, and results in ego wounds that are difficult to heal.
Families can be tremendously supportive, or they can be part of the problem. Parents and other well meaning friends and relatives feel your pain and are angry at your ex. They sometimes suggest antagonistic moves towards him or her that, if followed, would actually worsen the conflict and muddy the waters. While you need their support right now, beware of advice that doesn’t feel right in your gut. You are the one who will live with the consequences of an aggressive move that angers or humiliates your ex-partner. Evaluate advice carefully, and discuss it with a therapist or clergyperson if you are confused about what to do.
A unique issue arises if you have been “step” parenting your partner’s child from his or her previous relationship. There may be a strong positive connection between you and this child. If so, your stepson or daughter will feel a great sense of loss and abandonment if you suddenly disappear from their life. While there are few legal guidelines about how to handle this, you can make a tremendous difference in that child’s life if you stay involved and sustain the relationship in some form.
Parenting separately can be difficult. The reality is that you and your ex will share a bond as long as you and your children live. Children don’t stop needing their parents when they reach their 20’s, 30’s or 40’s. They never stop wishing for both of their parents to be present and civil at important life cycle events, such as their wedding or a child’s christening. Establishing a cooperative relationship post break-up can make a huge difference in your child’s life, as well as reduce stress in your own life.
Lastly, you’ll need some way to gain a sense of closure to this relationship. Talk about your feelings with friends and family. Work with a competent therapist. Get involved in your religious community. Check out the local Parents Without Partners chapter. Join a support group. Resist the urge to jump into the singles bar scene when you still have a lot of healing to do. It takes one to two years after the break-up of a long-term relationship or marriage to fully recover, so give your self the time to grieve and the time to let go. Then you will
be able to move on to the next phase of your life with confidence and positive energy.
By Roslyn Zinner, LCSW-C